No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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