Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
