i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
