Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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