there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
