Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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