I think my vagina is haunted
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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