FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
