I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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