Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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