Apparently you make a good broom.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize