he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Four minutes until I can fart!
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
