Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
