never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
