Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I am spending my child support on dildos
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
