Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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