There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
