Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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