I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Randomize
