I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
