i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
