somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
