the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
