I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
