96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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