Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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