I love black thongs
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
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