Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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