hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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