Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize