he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
