I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
