i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
