I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
