I just pynch a tree in the face
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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