This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
