i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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