Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Randomize
