do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
