his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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