Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
