Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
