I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
