worst night to have a conscience
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
