I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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