Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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