shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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