My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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