Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
