Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
