i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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