my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
