my phone needs a breathalizer
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
