I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
