the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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